This post is inspired by my friend Pattie who works for the Bangor Daily and runs a blog about her fitness journey as well, and I thought it was time I update where the hell I have been.

It has been awhile since my last posting, and I can guarantee anyone who runs a health blog or similar type blog has a litany of excuses of why they don’t update but I am willing to wager the #1 reason is because they feel like they aren’t practicing what they preach. My blog is a bit different in that I am very up front about cataloging when I am not being healthy and when I am going through a downward spurt, but the last couple of months have been unique for me in a variety of ways.

The last few months have been littered with high spikes and low dips, and that could mean in blood sugar, but mostly life in general. Since my birthday, I have made a lot of personal changes, which have been difficult to cope with and trying to figure out a new part of your life while making other big life changes like not returning to school after 28 years (full time job, yay), making some pretty transformational changes in some of my personal relationships with friends, having some ups and downs in the wields of romance, and dealing with some financial decisions related to “how the hell does a recent graduate pay for their student loans?”. All of these stressors have easily allowed me to slip back into old habits in a way that makes me feel very unlike myself. For example, in the last month I have eaten foods I haven’t in almost 2 years: starbursts, cheezits, milky way candy bar, and more. Afterwards, I hate myself. Yes, yes, a bad decision is just that, and it doesn’t ruin all the progress I have made – and it doesn’t, but it makes me realize I could be so much further than I am now. I still have goals that I want to accomplish.

Reactive eating is a terrible habit, and I think the last two years have been relatively stress free aside from getting schoolwork done and just trying to be healthy. In the last few months, it is almost like real life turned on and I went to the way I always knew how to deal with stress: eating. Luckily, I have still been doing my weight training and running – and I always feel AMAZING afterwards and I think, “things are different now that I have this energy back”, but then the hours progress, and I am at the store and I buy ice cream. For me, one of the big stressors is the dating world, something I haven’t really felt compelled to do, but now that I have lost the weight and feel like I am at a healthy and stable place in my life it is pretty good. The problem is; dating makes you CRAZY. And apparently when I am crazy, I like to eat lots of pink starburst. Even dating aside, I love my job, but it is a big transition from being in school and being part of the academic world. All of these things put together have made me slip back into habits I need to find a way to break.

You would think it would be easy – I have already created the tools and know what I need to do, but visceral desire to feed out stress, to feel full is to feel satisfied. This is a scary notion because feeling full normally makes me feel sick.

Not all has been bad though. I ran 16 miles for the first time ever last week, and I still have my marathon coming up on October 6th. I am scared out of my mind though. Although I ran 16 miles, it was a killer, so I need to really focus on running the next couple of weeks, get a good playlist out there and do what I can.

For one, I need to stop eating peanut butter, especially out of the container, and especially my roommates peanut butter. If it is there, and I know it, I will just eat it. I hadn’t eaten peanut butter in over a year (was eating almond butter). It is almost as if the needle on the gauge is broken and has regressed. Not all is lost though, I know that I can’t slip all the way down the hill, I still have fitness goals keeping me hanging on by the string of healthiness, but I really need to refocus the nutrition. The abundance of change in my life has has made it difficult for me to cope in a way that is going to make me happier in the long run. The ironic part is I know all this, and I know that being healthier and working on my body and mind will make some of the issues I am dealing with be a bit better. I don’t want to be a statistic. Gaining my weight back would not only be detrimental to my mental health, I know it would throw my whole life for a whirlwind, so I need to make a plan.

This morning I got up at 5:15 for CrossFit and didn’t make it, once again, which I need to change. I even thought to myself, “I know if I go, I will be happy”, so I got up, got dressed, realized my roommate wasn’t home (who usually goes to the gym with me), and I was running late, so I just bailed and sat in bed. I am going to go for a run today, which is something I need to focus on.

I guess it is difficult to focus on more than 1 life-altering thing at a time, and I am trying to juggle several at the same time, meanwhile trying to stay healthy and care about my body while trying to figure out new aspects and changing aspects of my life.

So, I will take it day by day, the only way that is going to push me to my next goal. So, for today, I will go for an 8 – 10 mile run, I will not buy another jar of peanut butter or ice cream, and I will not eat past 9:00pm.

To those of you who are slipping, going through life transitions, or just needing to refocus. Do it now, do it today, because in 6 months if you are 20 lbs. heavier, you are going to just be asking yourself, “how could this happen?” and you are going to be unhappy in the mirror knowing that that jar of peanut butter to soothe your temporary stressors were not worth the feeling you are feeling now.

Let’s recharge and take it 1 day at a time, 1 hour at a time.